Thoreau on Illness

Welcome back!

So I’m walking my dogs tonight, as I often do, while listening to a podcast.

This one was by Joseph Goldstein, who is a Buddhist mindfulness meditation teacher. I do this a lot these days.

Mr. Goldstein must have been reading my mind…that’s all I can say.  I was inwardly lamenting the fact that this walk was the first I had moved my butt in four days, as I had come down with some weird virus which seemed to have settled smack in the middle of my left lung.  Not only did it hurt to breathe still, but my scheduled Day 1 this week of a research study where I would take an exciting new drug was definitely looking unlikely.  Poor me… And the Packers lost, to boot.

Then, I heard a story about Henry David Thoreau.  Why was a Buddhist teacher talking about Thoreau?  Well, that is a long story, but in short, the podcast was about contemplating things that would “turn the mind toward the Dharma.”  Basically, it was a very good talk on impermanence.  But I digress…back to Thoreau.

It turns out that Thoreau died at 44, of tuberculosis.  I’m thinking he probably had a bit of chest pain, among other things.  In the podcast, Goldstein quoted Thoreau as saying something so cool that I came home and googled it immediately.  Sure enough, it looks like the statement ascribed to Thoreau was written  by his sister in a letter to a good friend,  telling of Henry’s life, illness, and death.  Thoreau was apparently a very vivacious man, as alive in illness as he was in health.  As his sister writes, “he remarked to me that there was as much comfort in perfect disease as in perfect health, the mind always conforming to the condition of the body.”

Perfect disease…what a concept.

Later in the letter, Thoreau’s sister, in talking of her brother’s attitude about his illness, she says that in response to a friend who said as a way of consolation, “Well, Mr. Thoreau, we all must go!” Henry replied, “When I was a very little boy I learned that I must die, and I set that down, so of course, I am not disappointed now.  Death is as near to you as it is to me.”

Now you know how this made it into a talk on impermanence.

But still I come back to idea of there being comfort in perfect disease… the secret being in the mind conforming to the condition of the body.  I think that means acceptance of what is.  Pretty simple…if not necessarily easy.  So now I’m going to try to quit feeling so sorry for myself:-)

Mindful Shaking

Thirteen years ago, I was a member of a Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) group at the hospital where I was working.  MBSR is an 8-week program, first developed at the University of Massachusetts Medical Center by Jon Kabat-Zinn, which teaches the practice of mindfulness.  Since it’s inception in 1979, over 200 medical centers in this country offer this course, as well as several international locations.  The program continues to grow because it works.  The beauty of MBSR is that it is evidence based.  Many published studies in medical journals have shown the benefits of mindfulness meditation in working with medical challenges.

WAIT!  Don’t stop reading.  I know I used the “M” word.  I can practically hear you saying, “I don’t want to read about meditation.  There is no way in the world I can, or want to, meditate!”   I get that.  But just humor me for a moment.

So back to thirteen years ago:

I was STRESSED!  I was at a job that I loved doing…but couldn’t stand doing with the people I was doing it with.  Not all people of course.  Just two.  But they were making me miserable.  (Actually, in retrospect, I now see that I was making me miserable, but that’s another story.)  So, the environment was toxic for me.  I hated going to work.  When I was there, all I wanted to do was leave.  I was in an emotional heap on the floor most of the time.  In addition—quite probably as a consequence, my health was spiraling in a downward direction for the first time in my life.  And to boot, I was about to become a mother!  A good thing, yes, but as we know, even good stress is stressful.

I knew of Jon Kabat-Zinn’s work, and when I saw the class offered, I jumped at the chance to do it.

In brief, the practice I developed during that 8-week course probably saved my life.  It certainly helped me to calm down enough to make the rational decision to remove myself from an environment that was literally killing me.  Ultimately, I retired.

And, I kept up the practice of meditation.  I will admit, my practice waxed and waned.  I didn’t always have a daily practice.  In fact, at times I went months without a formal practice.  I even played around with different types of meditation.  What I noticed was that when I was diligent with just doing it, whatever type I used, life went smoother.  No, that is wrong.  Life was the same…constantly changing when I didn’t want it to (read: health declining), or presenting me with “opportunities” for growth (read: emotional pain).  What went smoother was my response to life.

Fast-forward thirteen years:

I am now in the midst of taking a teaching practicum in MBSR.  Yep, I want to teach it.  In fact, I want to teach it to YOU.

So what is this about Mindful Shaking?  Well, first let me just point out that mindfulness is pretty simple.  Easy? No.  Simple?  Very.

Mindfulness is the simple act of being present, non-judgmentally, to the experience of living in this moment, right now.  For instance, when you are mindful of breathing, you bring your awareness to the in breath as you inhale…you simply feel it, whatever that brings.  Then, you watch your out breath, as you exhale.  You don’t try to control your breath.  You just watch it.  And you watch whatever accompanies it:  emotions, thoughts, sensations, whatever, in a non-judgmental, detached sort of way.

For me (at first), this brought a lot of anxiety!  Learning to be mindful of the breath is not always the way to start with someone with lung disease!  In fact, I don’t recommend it.  Many people that I have discussed this with (most with CF) think that this means that they “can’t meditate.”  This is unfortunate, because so much can be gained from the act of being mindful!  You can practice being mindful of ANYTHING!  It doesn’t have to be the breath.  The breath is just easy, because it is always there.  It is the path of least resistance for most people.  Because of this, it is the default way of first teaching this practice.  But this is clearly not the way to go for those of us with CF.

So here is what I propose:  The next time you strap yourself into your Vest, instead of watching TV, or getting a headache trying to read a vibrating page of print, simply close your eyes, and notice the shaking.  Notice the feeling of the Vest expanding and contracting as you breath.  Notice the intensity of the shaking.  It is always changing, depending on whether you are breathing in or breathing out.  Notice how the shaking extends to the different parts of your body and how those sensations are always changing.  Talk about impermanence!  A vibrating Vest is the PERFECT vehicle to focus on to understand the concept of “always changing, always moving.”  In fact, mine starts and stops 14 times per second!

If the Vest is doing what it should, it is quite likely that you will need to cough.  This can be challenging, but what the heck?  See if you can be mindful while you are coughing.  If you pay close attention, you can sense the feeling of the cough-to-be.  Watch it, and then you can watch what your body naturally does in response.  Afterwards, it is interesting to watch how your body calms down again after multiple spasms of intense activity.  Slowly…very slowly, it comes back into balance.

Notice your thoughts about all of this (and you WILL have thoughts).  When you notice a thought, simply acknowledge it, and go back to the sensation of the vibrating.  Thinking is what your brain is made to do.  It is a normal process.  So just because you catch yourself thinking a lot (and you WILL), this doesn’t mean you are not doing this RIGHT.  It simply means you have a human brain.  If you had a bird’s brain, this would not likely be a problem.  However, then you would likely have other issues.

Luckily, as a human with a frontal cortex, you have a choice of whether you get lost in your thoughts, or whether you pull back as you notice the thoughts, and go back to awareness of the shaking.  It’s tempting to go with the thoughts.  After all, that is our pattern—our habit developed over years and years.  But just for fun…just for a minute or two, try the lesser-known path, and go back to sensing.  Not much happens if you do it once or twice and then quit.  This practice takes some perseverance before you begin to reap the benefits.

Then, one day it will dawn on you that the You that is watching the sensations is not the sensations, nor the body that is experiencing the sensations.  The You that is watching the thoughts is not, in fact, the thoughts.  The You that watches the fear and anxiety is separate from fear and anxiety.  And, the best part is that it ALL changes!  Everything…all the time…is in flux.  The only thing that doesn’t change is the Watcher.

One last suggestion:  Make sure that for at least the last minute of the session, you are very focused on being mindful of shaking, eyes closed…very focused.  The reason is that the moment of transition from shaking to non-shaking is so cool, that it is really hard to describe.   It simply has to be experienced.

Engage Fully in Life

Engage Fully In Life

What do I mean by “engage” fully?

I mean two things, actually.  Both are ways of connecting with life in a particular way.  Both of these concepts are discussed more and more frequently in the last few years.  Just about every course I take, or book I read about happiness discuss these ideas.  I discuss them together because, to me, they seem very related.

The first way to better engage in life is with “mindfulness.” Jon Kabat-Zinn is a big name in the world of mindfulness.  He very successfully introduced mindfulness (an Westernized offshoot of Vipassana meditation) in a Stress Reduction Clinic at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, and his course has since been taught in hospitals, schools, churches and community centers throughout the country.  He defines mindfulness as “paying attention in a particular way; on purpose, in the present moment.”

Have you ever looked back on a day (or, in my case, a week or even a month) and not really remember any specific thing that happened?  I don’t mean this in a memory impairment kind of way, but more like everything sort of takes on a shade of gray…nothing stands out.  When this happens to me, it is as if I am on autopilot…either from boredom, or from overwhelm trying to fit way too much to do into a short amount of time, with the result that it seems I don’t have time to pay attention.

Does this sound familiar?  Lately, I’ve been suffering the consequences of taking on way too much.  I am not good at realizing my limits and knowing when to say no… to requests, opportunities, self-imposed challenges, etc…  The result is that my kids start school tomorrow, and I don’t remember much of summer.  It’s gone…and I don’t know where it went.  It’s not that we didn’t do fun things. We did.  But I had so much else on my mind––the deadline for an editing project, the appointments to fit in for a project I should never have taken on, the appointments and calls for another project, the blog project, the video project, the e-book project, my aging and ailing dog, my own health care, my own fitness goals…it really goes on and on.  I get tired thinking of it.  Sadly, I can’t say that I am completely enjoying and engaging in any one thing, because too much else is always on my mind.

Mindfulness is about paying attention to one thing only…the breath…the feeling of your heartbeat…the taste of a grape…the feel of your dog’s nose.  You get the picture.  It’s about focusing, and not being carried away by the incessant thinking that is always trying to get attention.  When you are able to be more mindful, even for a few moments at a time, you begin to see what you are missing by listening and being carried away by that voice in your head.

So I’m not doing so well at mindfulness right now, except that I am now mindful of my mindlessness.  As they say, admitting there is a problem is the first step toward fixing it.

The second approach to becoming more engaged in life is by finding “flow,” or being “in the zone.” This occurs when you are so immersed and focused on what you are doing, that time disappears…indeed…you disappear.  An athlete can easily relate to this concept; but in truth, we all have the ability to find flow.  Flow occurs when your skill doing something you love is equally matched by the challenge in front of you.  If you love to play chess and you are very good at it, the chances are not great that you will experience flow until you play someone of equal caliber.  Then again, if you love chess, but you are horrible, you won’t be in flow when you challenge a pro and are thoroughly trounced.

I’ve experienced flow reading pathology slides, reading something challenging, studying for exams and sometimes even taking exams!  These days, I mostly find it when I write…and sometimes when I am lifting weights.  You know you are in flow when the sense of time disappears, and when you are completely energized by what you are doing.

My goal is to experience mindful flow.  Now that would be a kick!